Monday:
BTL lab- drivers test. Completely freaked out and Josh was genuinely concerned but I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it- which I'm going to have to do alot.
Tuesday:
Edited my weekend project about a guy who lost his sock and found it again. The purpose for that exercise was to experiment with contrast and affinity- two things that I didn't really understand- but I tried. I thought that after the edit my film came out really well. That night we had Genres and we watched Vivre sa Vie by Jean-Luc Godard. I was like: YES! New wave! french! something that is poetic! this is my type of movie. I throughly enjoyed it but Myranda was sitting near me and kept saying: Oh when is it going to be over? ugh. I hate french films etc. Which I understand some people just don't like the french but I don't think you have to complain about it (out loud) the entire movie. That being said, I love Myranda and I am throughly blessed that I have her in my life. She is one of my good friends in the FS.
Wednesday:
Oh boy that was a strange day. Since I'm in track 2 I didn't have to go to class at 9 but could show up around 1030 because track 1 screening was from 9-1030 and track 2 screening was from 1030-1245. I hit the gym early and swam laps in the pool which was quite wonderful. But then I go to the screening and everyone's were pretty good. A couple of the student films had nudity and different subject matter. For example one film was about 'loosing your lunch and then finding it again' a guy is making a sandwich and then his roommate walks out completely naked and makes a cup of coffee and hugs him. The main guy then throws up in a bag and after a beat proceeds to pour his vomit on his bread to make the sandwich, i think in the end he took a bite of the sandwich. It was very good but the way my prof praised it I just kept thinking: I can't do things like that, thats not my aesthetic. If nudity and grossness is what you want, then this is obviously not the right place for me. Then we got to my film. Andrew (my Prof) nicely told me that I had completely missed the point- which although he said it nicely news like that can only hit in one way: hard. I really had no defense but honestly in that moment I just felt defeated, I felt like the only one who got a bad review. And looking back on it, I still don't know if that's true, but I really just felt like I wasn't worth anything. Then we had lecture after that and we were talking about the 180 degree line. Fortunately this was something very basic that I understood. We did an exercise in three shots where we had to film a sequence and cross the 180 line in doing so. I acted in it and then got to edit it in 5 mins in front of the class. I ended up cutting to a different shot in the middle of a movement and Andrew liked the cut so much that he stared talking about editing on action for about 5 mins. Needless to say, I felt pretty good. My weekend project wasn't good but at least I can edit.
Thursday:
Uggh- this day. We only had Genres class at 7pm so I was pretty psyched. I spent all of thursday working on a homework assignment for my F1 development class. We had to come up with three F1 ideas by thursday at 1159pm and email them to Andrew. So I submitted them and then started reading the Brother's Grimm script I had checked out- I also finished Eat Pray Love so it was just a good day of reading. But then. Dun DUn DUNNNNN!!!! GENRES! Andrew decided to show us an Avant Garde cinema piece called The Holy Mountain by a filmmaker whose name has alot of consonants in it. I did not care for this movie at all. It was grotesque, random and confusing. It was as if Myranda and I had switched places from tuesday's screening. I was sitting there in agony waiting for the film to be over and she was eating it up. During the screening I tried to contain my opinions and my disgust and thus ended up not watching half of the movie (Andrew said we could leave if we weren't comfortable but 1. i didn't want to seem like a wimp, 2. I had to write a discussion board post about it anyway, 3. I didn't want to get to school the next day and people say 'that was the most awesome movie' and then be like damn i wish i had formulated my own opinion and 4. I was going to the SLC afterwards to watch Letters to Juliet with my best friend and I didn't want to waste time). We got out of the screening an I literally felt like I was going to vomit. I was lightheaded and haunted by the grotesque images I had seen on screen and I felt like I had just wasted alot of time. The others loved it. They thought that it was the shit. I actually thought it was shit. Pardon me for having an opinion. Myranda said I was sheltered because I couldn't take the grossness of it. I told her I'd rather be sheltered that watch movies like that. When I saw Sami (my best friend) at the SLC she said I looked awful and that I was super pale- all because of that movie. Thank god for cookie cutter romantic comedies from hollywood.
That night I got home and cried myself to sleep. Like in my F1 screening on wednesday I just thought if blood, gore, nudity and grotesque images is what the FS expects from me then I need to find a different major because I can't give them that.
Friday:
I woke up on friday for a 9am writing class and I decided that if things didn't pick up in the next week that I was going to go to the dean and say 'I quit.' That killed me inside to admit that. This was something I had been working towards since freshman year of HS, and I'm not a quitter. But I honestly was just thinking that I was being a fool. So writing class was just a combination of the little things that make your day worse. For ex, I ended up not sitting next to paige and myranda and sitting next to Lexa (I love lexa though). And she didn't have a pen so I lent her one of mine and then mine ran out of ink and i didn't have a spare so i wrote in pencil (wah wah I know but its the little things that are frustrating).
I went to lunch with Myranda before our F1 development class and we had a really good talk. Then we went to F1 dev in the directors prep room. Andrew had put our three ideas from the hw up on powerpoint slides and then the computer chose at random who would go. I was totally freaking out because all of my ideas were really whimsical and poetic in contrast with everyone elses. Again I was like, they're not going to like my ideas they're going to insist on the dark, blood, gore, and nudity. But when I read my ideas I got a really good response. When I explained my concept for one of them everyone's eyes lit up and they all started to contribute ideas. I felt that they could see my vision and it made me feel wonderful.
That night we had a party called 'disorientation' and I was worried because I don't drink, smoke nor do I know people in the FS. But I drove with Myranda and It actually went really well, we had to wear krispy kreme hats as a sort of new kids hazing. I met alot of people who I can't remember their names, but for the most part I hung out with a guy in track 1 of my year named Adam. He didn't drink or smoke either so we hung out in the sober corner trying to join talking circles and meet new people. Then some drunk kids lit some twigs on fire and both of us were like, uh oh thats not good. Then people started jumping through the fire and I was pretty sure it was time to go. But before Myranda and I left a guy named Ryan from track 1 came up to me and said 'so tell me about your F1 idea because I hear its going to be awesome.' needless to say, my ego flew through the roof and effected my attitude all weekend.
Sunday:
I felt like I was the shit. I was like man I'm so cool, I'm unique and I'm special etc. So I went to church with a big head and I kept talking about myself in an egotistical way. Really there's no excuse for that pride except for that I was up on cloud 10- my head so high in the sky I didn't want to see those beside me. After church I went home and wrote my discussion boards for Genres class, one for Vivre sa vie and one for holy mountain. I was pretty favorable in my Vivre sa Vie post but I struggled with the Holy mountain one. I didn't know what to talk about, the movie made no sense to me and I thought it was just horrible. So I expressed that in my post by assessing how the director told his story. I wrote that I believed his events were inconsequential and random and that basically our protagonist disappears in the middle of the movie. I admit now it was really harsh but the movie made me feel horrible. I entitled the post 'someone get me a barf bag' because of how I felt at the end of the movie.
But then Aaron (a guy in my group) commented back saying that essentially I was acting like a idiot and that my post was basically wah wah wah this movie sucks instead of This movie had value because_. True my post had the wah wah wah but I did focus on how the director failed in my opinion to tell the story. So I wrote back apologizing but basically saying that I simply expressed an opinion. I don't want to look back and see if he responded. But seriously? no one responds on discussion boards for school its not like a mac forum where everyone responds. I don't even know anyone who reads discussion boards.
But sunday night Sami came over and spent the night and we talked alot. I discovered that I need to set my pride aside and just remember that I am a student, I am here to learn, a fact that I forget.
This morning I woke up and while taking a shower I came to the realization that I'm probably not a pleasant person to be around. I need some serious help.
So that was the roller coaster week. Hopefully I can just get on the go-karts this week and not have to deal with those ups and down.
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